Tag Archives: movie

Ten Things Better Than The Movie Split

  1. Hemorrhoids
  2. A hangnail
  3. A dirty tampon
  4. Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger at a bridal shower
  5. Piss soaked pants
  6. Dirty Diapers forever dirty
  7. Two dirty nails shoved in my eye
  8. Having diarrhea on a 2-hour long Subway ride with no stops
  9. Having ten bowling balls fall on your feet simultaneously forever
  10. Stepping on dog poop as a dog pees on you

Photo Credit: http://www.sickchirpse.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Split-James-McAvoy-1.jpg

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Lights Out On This Movie

Current horror movies tend to make me cringe to no end and this movie was up there with the cringe factor.

Lights Out is just another lame horror movie that could’ve been way better, it’s the type of movie that you wait to see on Redbox.

This movie could’ve been better, the concept is good, I really had high hopes for this movie but as soon as the movie started, I knew I was going to be disappointed.

I could relate to one of the main characters, Theresa Palmer, who played the daughter Rebecca. Her character was strong, independent and came from a troubled family. Other than that, I was annoyed or over every other character.

I couldn’t care about the story when I wanted to, the plot could’ve been better but since this is another The Conjuring, Sinister and Insidious, I was over this movie right after it began.

Listen, enough with these cliché, predictable, crap movies. We need more Rosemary’s Baby’s, Poltergeist and Carrie’s. These movies are smart, imaginative, scary and promising.

Let’s get back to basics, enough is enough. I want my good horror movies back!

 

I Wish I Never Had Visited

Think of someone throwing up repeatedly while trying to eat 10 burritos while throwing up, that was The Visit. This movie was extremely bad, like unnecessarily disgusting at some parts.

This movie could’ve been 10 times better; they could’ve taken it into a whole different direction yet they didn’t. It was the type of movie where you wish you didn’t pay to see it (shh, don’t download movies, that’s bad).

I didn’t care about the characters at all, I really wanted to. I wanted to feel bad for them and their situation but I just couldn’t do it. The movie had maybe 1 jump scare, it definitely wasn’t a good horror movie.

What annoyed me the most about this crap fest of a movie was the little brother, the rapping little brother that thought all of his raps were legit amazing. This felt forced, it felt like they didn’t know what to do with his character so they said “hey, you should rap, a lot, and end each rap with the word hoe”. They honestly didn’t need to add that at all.

The best part of the movie was the end, when it just ended, I was so happy.

I generally give every movie a chance, some movies are just meant to be unseen.

The movie was pretty predictable which annoyed me even more, it was almost as if they took scary scenes from other horror movies and just added it in this movie. I literally guessed every jump scare that was going to happen.

My advice is to watch this when you’re drunk, you may get more enjoyment out of it then I had.

Photo Credit: http://media2.popsugar-assets.com/files/2015/09/10/932/n/1922398/1728a37d_32.xxxlarge_2x.jpg

The Expendables 3

The Expendables 3: Another movie that has old actors that will be killing, blowing things up, and talking about things you couldn’t care less about. Oh don’t forget this movie has Stallone so be prepared to not understand a word he says for 127 minutes.

The first one was bad, really bad. I love a good action movie with a good storyline but the first Expendables movie only had good action scenes and that is it. I was bored with the movie and not impressed with the acting at all. The best part of this movie was Stallone and Schwarzenegger talking, it sounded like two men with crap in their mouths, you couldn’t understand a word they said, than 5 minutes later the scene was over.

I didn’t see the second Expendables but I bet it had fire, more talking, fighting scenes, things blowing up, and no good story line.

The Expendables 3 is one summer movie I can wait to see.

 

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Insidious: Chapter 2? Yeah About That

So I watched Insidious: Chapter 2 yesterday, it was so bad; I mean it was really bad. I seriously thought the first one was bad but boy was I wrong. I guess it was a horror movie? I couldn’t tell, every scene just either made me laugh or made me confused and then not confused?

 

I just want to watch a horror movie from the 21st century that makes me crap my pants while losing my breathe, the only horror movie from last year that did all of this was Mama; this movie was good in my opinion; Mama looked like one of my ex roommates so you can imagine how scared I must’ve been when they revealed Mama’s face; I just kept asking, “is that my ex roommate?” and “ Wow she really made it big in this cruel world”.  

 

For the first hour of Insidious: Chapter 2 I was just confused. So from what I recall from the first Insidious, the Lambert family tried to prevent entities from trapping their child in this damn place called The Further (dumb name folks, really dumb). Who names a place that anyway? The writers must’ve thought it was the best name ever. I hated this catastrophe of a movie; I seriously didn’t realize this was a horror movie because the scare factor was non-existent. Every movie now has the same formula; this possibly is a scary movie for children but who lets their child watch this anyway? My future kids will probably watch Sesame Street until they’re 25 because I say so; I want to shelter them as much as I possibly can.

 

Insidious: Chapter 2 was worse, it starts off with mother Lambert sitting with a detective? A cop? I didn’t care enough to ask, I think he was a clown of some sorts, a well dressed clown, you could tell she was visibly upset; I mean I would be too if I made a second Insidious. Than it cuts to her remembering the family in a hideously furnished living room with this old lady sitting up, mouth wide open, dead? Yeah she was very dead, how dare she be dead 10 minutes into the movie. I remember the old lady from the first movie barely but for some reason I remember her mouth always opened, I wanted to throw some peanuts in her mouth; see how many she could fit into her mouth before she throws up. After the dead old lady everything was a blur, I am pretty sure I was just dreaming and this movie never really happened.

 

I don’t want to give too much away just in case you haven’t seen it and have a desire to watch it on Netflix or rent it at Redbox but seriously if you need to fall asleep and love terrible horror movies, please see this, you will be disappointed. 

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